Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
did i walk over a car last night?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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