Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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