Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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