I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
