A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
All the doctor said was why
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
