I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
