Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
