So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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