I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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