Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
