Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
