Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
