just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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