So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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