Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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