my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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