i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
