woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
