everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
