I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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