you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
