the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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