I hate your face
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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