how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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