I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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