So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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