you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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