Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
