I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
