I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
