I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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