So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
