My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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