I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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