Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
