First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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