I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I came so hard my ears popped.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
