I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
