I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
