News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
