i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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