Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
