My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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