this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
