Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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