The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
