We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
