sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
