Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
