I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
