She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
