Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I can't put those talents on a resume
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
