You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
