Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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