I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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