I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
