So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
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You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
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I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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