the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
