My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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