Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So squirting runs in the family.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
